A Deep Bleu
by flatfoot
Summary: Sap fic that you've probably come across before. Gojyo x Hakkai [shounen-ai]. Shifting between the two's PoV.


Author's Note: The usual disclaimers applied. I don't own the characters, you don't take my story... nobody gets sued ;) This is my first fic. I think i could do better, but... am a lazy old mutt! I kinda wrote it ages ago [before i knew FanFiction.net existed] When i decided to post this up, I realized that there are a couple of stories somewhat like this. So, too bad anyways.. haha, you're reading it! :p  
  
Hmm.. anything else i should say?? Nah... Enjoy!  
  
  
  
  
  
From the doorway I saw him standing there, as I have many times on days similar to this. He was, as usual, staring out the window, at the darkened sky that cried of rain. I couldn't help but stand there, staring at his back. Why couldn't he bring down those walls he was always hiding behind and for once, just once, be the one who needed help? He had always played the paternal role, no matter how badly hurt he was, emotionally or physically.  
  
  
"Are you planning to burn a hole in the back of my shirt, Gojyo?". He turned around, his sad green eyes looking in my direction, giving me a tired version of his usual smile, one that I must have seen a thousand times before. I sighed as I was caught red-handed but didn't really care. I moved slowly towards him. "Why are you always so melancholic these days? I mean, I know the reason why.. but, shouldn't you just put your past behind you and move on?!" I guess I was frustrated as well, because this whole situation of seeing him depressed made me depressed too. It reminded me of my lonely childhood; when I too would stare into space, for long lengths at a time, not realizing that the day had passed by.  
  
  
The kids in my neighbourhood had teased and bullied me because I was different. My real mother died when I was at a very young age and was left with my father and his family. I can barely remember what she looked like. I was never loved during those years I was growing up, except for my brother of course. The lady whom I've only known to have played my mother most of my life, couldn't accept a child that wasn't hers. Screaming my inner pain to someone up there, after being bruised all over, I would sit by myself in my secret hiding place. What a lonely thing to be ostracized by one's peers. All by myself, asking the same question 'Why couldn't I just be a normal kid, like the rest?' My stepmother hated me, the children in my neighbourhood hated me... I was my only friend. Hence the lonely days spent day-dreaming.  
  
  
~~~  
  
'Why am I depressed?' he asks. What am i suppose to say to that? I wish Kana was still here. I wish I didn't have to go through this by myself. I wish... *sigh*. If only he understood my pain. But I couldn't blame him, because I am too private. He couldn't understand, when I wouldn't share my reasons. Maybe I should share some of my feelings. After all, he did save my life that night. The night, that looked like tonight, I wanted to die. I couldn't forgive myself for what I had done in the past. But even so, he looked at me from a different angle. Perhaps we are kindred spirits. Maybe, but... no one could possibly understand. No one!  
  
  
"Hai... I suppose I should, but I guess some people take a longer time to heal than others. I'm sorry if I caused you any discomfort. I really am...". I didn't want to drag him into my misery. Not after all that he had done for me.  
  
  
"Ch'.. do you want to talk about it?! You can't always bury your feelings." He sounded irritated. Probably due to the fact that I've plastered that smile on again. Disguising what I truly feel. I didn't want to hide behind a disguise anymore, at least not now. I felt as though a knife had just stabbed my heart. A hand that was squeezing it so hard I couldn't breath. I just wanted to cry.  
  
~~~  
  
  
I knew what his answer would be, but I had to stop him from apologizing further. It would just make me feel guilty for selfishly asking him to do things merely so that I would feel better. 'Yare, yare!' I thought to myself, shaking my head in disapproval.  
  
  
His eyes looked even sadder than they had previously, begging for forgiveness. He didn't reply, but I didn't need one. He stood there, leaning against the edge of the table, staring at the floor as though he wanted to talk about it, but thought it was such a hassle. It would be easier to just pretend to be happy. To be a jolly old clown, hiding behind his sorrow. Somehow, I supposed, even that he could't do. He looked worn out. I wasn't sure, I couldn't read his blank expression.  
  
  
On the verge of crying, he tried to say something. "I... I..". He stopped to hold back a sob, but a tear had already trickled down his cheek. He fell to his knees. As though he couldn't hold himself up anymore. Just gave up. "Hakkai..!". I was surprised at this, I quickly moved towards him and lifted him up. Wrapped my arms around him, one hand at the back of his head, buried it in my chest. "G-Gojyo!!..." He appeared to be somewhat surprised too but I cut him short. "Why do you have to pretend? For once, just let go of your responsibilities and let someone else take care of you for a change!". He squeezed me tightly, as his shoulders shaked rapidly under my arm. I could hear soft cries coming from him. Sometimes I wondered to myself, why he had to go through so much pain. Why couldn't at least half of his sorrows be passed on to me so that he wouldn't have to suffer alone?  
  
  
~~~  
  
I didn't have the strength anymore. I couldn't hold back. One small tear streaked down my face, and the next thing I knew Gojyo was holding me. I was too shocked for words. I tried to tell him that it was okay but I didn't want to at the same time. Because I wasn't okay. I hadn't been okay for a very long time. He said something, but I couldn't hear it. The whole world was spinning. I held on tight to Gojyo, so that I wouldn't fall into that deep hole of sadness alone again.  
  
~~~  
  
  
"Shhh.. shh..." I tried to calm him down, stroking his soft brunette hair. After a while Hakkai breathed normally, quietly holding on to my embrace with the occasional sniffles. He lifted his head, looking at me, and laughed shyly. Still embracing each other, I wiped his left cheek with my right thumb, placing the rest of my palm on his face. For a moment, I wanted time to stand still. His face so beautiful. It awed me that he had finally let me in. Brought his rock solid wall down just for that slight moment.   
  
  
He stood up straight, his wet face facing mine. Green glassy eyes looking straight back at me. We were only a few inches apart. His arms were still locked around my waist. Not sure whether I should move or stay this way longer. I didn't know what I wanted. Continuing our gaze, or rather staring at each other, he lifted his hand towards my face and pushed back some of my long red hair, revealing the scar my stepmother had given me on my left cheek. Carressing it.  
  
  
It felt as though he was trying to tell me something, that maybe that it was okay to feel this way. I wasn't sure, but I moved my head a little closer to his. He didn't budge. Didn't move back. I moved even closer, until I could feel his warm breath against my skin. Our bodies pressing against each other. I could feel my heartbeat quicken, as my face turned scarlet. I closed my eyes and captured his lips with mine. My heart was racing even faster now. I had never felt this way before. The many women that I've been with, none had ever felt as intense as it was with Hakkai. Was it because it was something new, dangerous, or did it feel safe? That he was the one I could trust with my feelings. One I was probably going to be with longer than just a one night stand.  
  
  
~~~  
  
Is this the Gojyo I knew? My best friend, the womanizer... all that mattered to him were his cigarettes, liquor and ...women?! I could taste the sweetness of his lips. Soft and yet firm. At this moment, I didn't care who it was... as long as I felt protected in his arms, nothing could go wrong.  
  
~~~  
  
  
He returned my kiss eventually. Allowing me to further explore beyond his lips and feel his warm tongue. I was about to touch him further but stopped in time. I realised that maybe this wasn't what he wanted. What if he was only doing this to make me happy, or because he had no choice since I was usually the more dominant one? We broke off slowly, as though trying to make the feeling last as long as possible. I kissed his forehead and leaned my cheek against it. "Thank you!" he whispered into my ear. In a way, it had comforted me as well. As though I was the one with the wounds. I moved back, uncertain about what just happened. Maybe the two of us were just looking for closure.. it just so happened we were in the right place, the right time.  
  
  
Hakkai grabbed my hand as I turned to leave his room. I turned around to look at him, our hands streched out holding each others. "Gojyo, wait!", he said. Hesistating, he pulled me to him and held me tight. Turning a little red, he looked at the floor and said "Will you.. spend the rest of the night with me?... I don't want to be alone tonight". Well, neither did I. The void which has been part of me all my life was filled during those moments when I was with him. I turned my back towards him and headed for the door. But only to close it so that no one would walk in unexpectedly.  
  
  
It was probably the most important moment in my life. I now have reason to live and so perhaps, does he...  
  
  
  
  
~Owari~  
  
  
  
  
So... so?? How? Review pls?! ;þ Thanks! 


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